Ow! (Box Set) | Midsummer Moot 2026

Author: D. Irving, Word Count: 2,995

Featured in Midsummer Archaeological Story Moot: Live Stream – Summer 2026

‘Ow! English Dubbed’

The Mesolithic Stone Tool from Strangford Lough, D.Irving

Disc One:

Ow! The Movie

Disc Two:

Bonus scenes and outtakes

Disc One, loading…

Disclaimer: Whilst based on real events names and dates have been well mangled to protect the innocent.

***

Ow, ow,OW! Dammit man, ow, ow, n’n’no, aarrrgghhhh ENOUGH! I don’t care if it is ritual; I’ve a

perfectly good razor use that.

But m’lord both the Ollam and Ollav insist that you must be clean of limb before the meeting, all

your ancestors have done this for hundreds of years.

Ha! Those two old corbies are living in the past it’s 989 after all.

Even so m’lord the people expect their king to follow tradition and this meeting is important.

I know but that thing is downright barbaric, can you not burn it off? It would probably hurt less.

M’lord jests, may I continue?

Grumbling Ailex part time King of all Ireland nodded, the meeting was part of a strategy thought up

by his fellow kings to break the power of the Foreigners in the north, if it worked. The meeting was

set to take place on midsummer’s day, tomorrow.

Unngg, Ow, Do you think it will ow work?

Your other leg if it pleases you m’lord, I’m sure it’s not my place to say m’lord.

D ow!n’t give me that y ow r’e one of the most intelligent people I kn ow!

Setting aside the stone tool Padraig thought for a moment, ‘weather, it all depends on the weather.

The plan is sound enough, we’ve been feeding them our story for months now, Illeel is hiding the

fleet up the Lagan, the forts are ready, it’s a classic double cross. You just have to convince Olaf to

attack Dunseverick on your behalf’. He resumed his exfoliating.

Careful there, aye that’s what worries meow! Got me sounding like a cursed cat, would you go to

war over some purple cloaks? I know insults, tradition, ritual and all that b ow ut, well.

I think a share in the seven years worth of taxes he holds might be a better way of convincing them,

if nothing else they do like their gold. Stay very still m’lord.

True, are you wah! enjoying this? Did you see the cross he was wearing last w ow! k? Must have

been a half pound of gold.

Not really m’lord, finely worked wood gilded and burnished, there was a workshop in DunPatrick

making such. Your right arm if it pleases you.

It doesn’t, they’re supposed to be Christians is it wrong to lie to them?

Christian-ish m’lord Christian-ish, many of them look backwards rather than forwards and with the

millennium well, he shrugged, I do still wonder whether it was wise to conflate our Armageddon

with their Ragnorak.

Have they decided when the new millennium will actually start? They’ve been arguing about it for

near on a decade, even that Welsh bloke Myrddin and his so called druids put their snouts in the

trough.

He is a character isn’t he, if you can ignore the smell he has some amazing ideas, the other day he

was trying get the glassblower to make him a giant sphere so he could see the fish in the river. Your

left arm m’lord.

Ailex opened and closed his mouth a few times the look of bafflement on his face slowly turning to a

smile “Oh well done, very funny. “

Nearly finished m’lord.

Talking of snouts in the trough whats the kennel owing at the moment? It’s not like them to run up a

debt.

I will enquire m’lord but I believe someone stole their bull so there are no calfs this year.

You’re kidding, the size of that thing. Well Padraig if we’re finished I’ll settle for the night.

We are m’lord and you are welcome m’lord.

Aye jog on, I’ll see you sometime in the morning.

It was hot, Ailex the glabrous, part time king of all Ireland sat in a puddle, his silk robes clung to his

body, he fidgeted with its tasselled trim, the morning had brought heavy rain and now, the sky

having cleared, it was hot and sticky, he had gone through the plan with Sidric in almost childish

terms and now awaited his reply.

Olaf, the decidedly not glabrous, scratched his chest, one of his many chains had tangled in his chest

hair and it was annoying him. He had arrived a worried man, his men had not been paid in months

and were getting a bit restless, just yesterday his jarls suggested it might be time for a new leader

and he knew what happened to ex-leaders. Not wanting to appear too eager he cleared his throat.

Well your kingship I reckon me and my main man Ivar could do a fair old job of it like, in and out

quick like, but there are risks like, ya know this ain’t no little gaff, gonna be like an army like waiting

for us like.

That’s why I’m marching overland a few days before you leave, they’ll see me coming and come to

meet me leaving the palace with only a few guards.

Palace? Like lots of gold palace?

One of the richest in the country, I hear they even have golden pillars holding the roof up.

Dude like you be trippin? We’ll be all over that like a rash.

So you agree? Wonderful I’ll just get the archbishop to formalise the agreement, Padriag please find

Cormac he’ll be wherever the beer is.

Olaf bit his shield, everything had gone smoothly until they landed, the beautiful wide sandy bay had

turned into a trap with an arrow storm greeting the first of his men ashore, then once they had

broken through that thin line of defence not a single cow or duck could they find. They had then

encircled a strongly defended earthen fort called the Hammer that was being defended by giant bats

then that fug nug Ailex had attacked them from another called the Anvil, frothing at the mouth Sidric

screamed ‘it’s a stitch up lads, scarper right quick like!’.

Illeel and his fleet met the fleeing ships as they waited for the tide at The Narrows, it wasn’t so much

a battle as a rout.

The celebrations were winding down thanks mainly to Myrrdins experiments with fungi and brewing,

Ailex and his fellow kings lay in a ring around a small table trying to sing a song about a duck on a

stick.

Well Padraig we won’t be seeing that, oooh pink spiders, son of a felcher again

No m’lord, m’lord?

Yes Padraig

I did enjoy it m’lord, m’lord?

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzz.

Sleep well sweet prince.

Disc Two:

The ‘razor’ is late Mesolithic and is one of a group of lithics recovered from a shallow quartz lined

feature eroding out of an island in Strangford Lough.

Taunts featuring ‘came down the Lagan in a bubble’ typically mean the person is an idiot.

Kennel owing = Cenel nEogain

Jog on = eff off.

The Hammer = Daneshammer to DunsHammer and now DunSummery Co.Antrim, The Anvil, there is

a second Daneshammer to the northeast-ish of which very little survives.

Giant bats = Muirchertachs’ Leather Cloaks

Fug nug, according to my grandson modern slang for a not vey nice person.

‘The Narrows’ is the name given to the entrance to Strangford Lough, when the tides are running

strong currents produce eddies and whirlpools, even today it is not unusual to see vessels going

backwards or spinning around whilst being pushed hither and yon.

Deleted scenes

…….. the TVA are after me.

————————

Cormac bishop of Down swayed slightly in the breeze, he didn’t like Olaf one bit, it wasn’t that long

ago that they had murdered his predecessor and burnt down his crannog.

Dearly beloved in God we are here this day gathered to celebrate the joining of Aelix the most

munificent and Olaf the mendacious in the most sacred and dutiful union, this coming together of

two who shall become one takes place on this most auspicious of days, let no man here present pull

asunder this most holy union.

Do you Ailex, fidelissimus et honestus , take Olaf, vere foetidus, to be your lawfully bound ally.

Trying not to laugh Ailex replied ‘I do’

Do you Olaf, iuramentum ruptor, take Ailex, omnes scientes, as your lawfully bound ally.

For sure like.

Excellent I pronounce you sociis et proditor.

————————-

That’s not my leg.

————————–

Illeel stood in the doorway a look of shock on his face ‘but daddy you said Domnall and I couldn’t do

that’.

Padraig quickly pulled his head from under Ailexs’ night robe.

Now son this isn’t what it looks like, Padraig is just getting me ready for tomorrow’s ceremony.

Padraig waved the stone tool.

————————-

Peter I really can’t find my motivation for this scene what should it be? Red hot poker up the jacksy

right right gotcha.

—————————–

Cut! Cutcutcutcut CUT! You! yes you with the horns out NOW!……………. I don’t care if it was your

grandmothers.

—————————-

Cut! Security! Him! him with the horns throw him out!………….. No, it’s no use crying you were

warned.

—————————

Aaarggghhhhhhhhhh! Oops sorry, it’s ok it’s not bleeding much.

***

OW! Director’s Cut

Och, och, OCH! Damn ye man, och, och, n’n’nae, aarrrgghhhh ANEUCH! I dinna care gin it be

ritual; I’ve a perfectly guid razor, uise that.

But m’lord, baith the Ollam an’ the Ollav insist that ye maun be clean o’ limb afore the

meetin’, a’ yer forebears hae dune this this hunners o’ year.

Ha! Thae twa auld corbies are livin’ in the bygane; it’s 989 efter a’.

Even sae, m’lord, the folk expeck their king tae follae tradeetion, an’ this meetin’ is

important.

I ken, but that thing is fair barbaree, can ye no burn it aff? It wad likely hurt less.

M’lord jests, may I gang on?

Grumbling Ailex part time King of all Ireland nodded, the meeting was part of a strategy

thought up by his fellow kings to break the power of the Foreigners in the north, if it

worked. The meeting was set to take place on midsummer’s day, tomorrow.

Och, ow, dae ye think it’ll wark?

Yer ither leg if it pleises ye m’laird, ah’m shair it’s no ma place tae say m’laird.

Wheesht! Dinna gie me that, ye’re ane o the maist intelligent fowk ah ken.

Setting aside the stone tool Padraig thought for a moment, ‘The weather, it a’ depends on

the weather. The plan is soond eneuch, we’ve been feedin’ them oor story for months noo,

Illeel is hidin’ the fleet up the Lagan, the forts are ready, it’s a classic double-cross. Ye juist

hae tae convince Olaf tae attack Dunseverick on yer ain behauf’. He resumed his exfoliating.

Canny there, aye that’s whit flegs meOW! Got me soondin like a thole-me-nane cat, wid ye

gang tae war ower some purple cloaks? I ken insults, tradeetion, ritual an a’ that, but, weel.

I think a share in the seven year’s worth o’ taxes he hauds micht be a better gait o’ convincin

them, if naething else they dae like their gowd. Bide verra still, m’lord.

True, are ye enjoyin this? Did ye see the cross he wis wearin last we ow k? Maun hae been a

half pund o’ gowd.

No’ rale-ly m’lord, finely wrocht timmer gowden an’ burnished, there wis a warkshop in

DunPatrick makin’ the like. Yer richt airm if it pleases ye.

It disna, they’re supposed tae be Christians, is it wrang tae lee til them?

Christian-ish m’lord Christian-ish, mony o’ them luik backlins raither nor forrit an’ wi’ the

millennium well, he shrugged, I dae still wunner whether it wis wise tae conflate oor

Armageddon wi’ their Ragnorak.

Hae they decidet whan the new millennium will actually stairt? They’ve been arguin’ aboot

it for near on a decade, even that Welsh buckie Myrddin an’ his sae-cawed druids pit their

snouts in the trough.

He is a queer yin is he no’, if ye can ignore the smell he has some amazin’ ideas, the tither

day he was tryin’ tae get the gless-blawer tae mak him a giant sphere sae he could see the

fish in the river. Yer left airm m’lord.

Ailex opened and closed his mouth a few times the look of bafflement on his face slowly

turning to a smile “Och, weel dune, gey funny. “

Near feenished, m’lord.

Speakin o snouts in the trough, whit’s the kennel owin at the minute? It’s no like them tae

rin up a debt.

I’ll ha’ a neb, m’lord, but I hear as someone stowl their bull, sae there’s nae calves this year.

Ye’re jokin, the size o that thing. Weel Padraig, iffin we’re feenished, I’ll settle for the nicht.

We are, m’lord, an ye’re welcome, m’lord.

Aye, jog on, I’ll see ye sometime in the mornin.

It was hot, Ailex the glabrous, part time king of all Ireland sat in a puddle, his silk robes clung

to his body, he fidgeted with its tasselled trim, the morning had brought heavy rain and

now, the sky having cleared, it was hot and sticky, he had gone through the plan with Sidric

in almost childish terms and now awaited his reply.

Olaf, the decidedly not glabrous, scratched his chest, one of his many chains had tangled in

his chest hair and it was annoying him. He had arrived a worried man, his men had not been

paid in months and were getting a bit restless, just yesterday his jarls suggested it might be

time for a new leader and he knew what happened to ex-leaders. Not wanting to appear

too eager he cleared his throat.

Well your kingship I reckon me and my main man Ivar could do a fair old job of it like, in and

out quick like, but there are risks like, ya know this ain’t no little gaff, gonna be like an army

like waiting for us like.

That’s the raison I’m marchin’ owerlan’ a wheen o’ days afore ye flit, they’ll see me comin’

an’ come tae meet me leavin’ the palace wi’ juist a wheen o’ guards.

Palace? Like lots of gold palace?

Ane o the richest in the country, I hear they even hae gowden pillars haudden the ruif up.

Dude like you be trippin? We’ll be all over that like a rash.

Sae ye’re agreein? Grand, I’ll juist get the airchbishop tae formalise the bargain; Padriag,

wud ye fin Cormac? He’ll be whaurever the ale is.

Olaf bit his shield, everything had gone smoothly until they landed, the beautiful wide sandy

bay had turned into a deathtrap with an arrow storm greeting the first of his men ashore,

then once they had broken through that thin line of defence not a single cow or duck could

they find. They had then encircled a strongly defended earthen fort called the Hammer

which was being defended by giant bats then that fug nug Ailex had attacked them from

another, frothing at the mouth Sidric screamed ‘it’s a stitch up lads, scarper right quick

like!’.

Illeel and his fleet met the fleeing ships as they waited for the tide at The Narrows, it wasn’t

so much a battle as a slaughter.

The celebrations were winding down thanks mainly to Myrrdins experiments with fungi and

brewing, Ailex and his fellow kings lay in a ring around a small table trying to sing a song

about a duck on a stick.

Weel Padraig we winna be seein that, och pink spiders, son o a felcher again

Nae m’lord, m’lord?

Aye Padraig

I did enjoy it m’lord …………… m’lord?

zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzz.

***

Cut Scenes and Outtakes